Before I begin, I will openly admit that I've never picked up a Stephanie Meyer novel. In fact, I often shield my eyes while walking past the huge display in Barnes and Noble because I'd hate to make the employees have to wipe up the regurgitated contents of my lunch off their Rob? Rod? Rub? Patterson? Pattinson? posters.
But I have seen both Twilight movies. Why? Not because I spent money on them. And not because I like them. Seth and I have chosen to watch them because we mock them. Mercilessly.
Please keep in mind that, for a large portion of my life, I have been anti-girly anything. Having little girls of my own, I have lightened up when it comes to pink, princesses and ponies. But the buck stops at chick flicks.
So after sacrificing a few IQ points by subjecting myself to the movie, here's my take on New Moon.
Angst
This sums up the first Twilight movie, in my opinion. Angsty teenage angst-filled drama. We hoped that the second movie would not slack in the angst department, and we were not disappointed. Every uncomfortable pause, furrowed brow and suppressed grunt/moan was truly delightful. Even the very last "line" in the movie is a startled grunt!
Extra points to that Patt- guy for getting those massive veins to pop out on his forehead every time he painfully smooched Bella. Her lips must be made of magma for him to be in such agony.
Flakiness
I honestly don't know why some women dream of being Bella Swan. (May I digress for one moment? Bella Swan? Seriously? BELLA Swan? Bella SWAN? That's a soap opera name if I've ever heard one.) First it's, "Oh, Edward ... how do I love thee. I would do anything for you. Wait! You have to leave? Oh man, I'm so depressed. Wait a second ... who is this tasty piece of man-meat? Jacob! You're so chiseled! And you built me a motorcycle! I love you. Wait ... Edward's back? And he wants me? Forget you, Jacob." Yeah, that's one dedicated woman.
Physique
I heard that the Jacob dude had to gain 26 pounds of muscle for this film. And the director made sure that we got to view all 26 pounds of flesh at least 26 times. Of course a bunch of Native American werewolves run around without their shirts on. And of course Jacob would quickly shuck his shirt to show off his pecs. Wait ... I mean, of course he would shuck his shirt to wipe some blood off Bella. Or to let her blow her nose. Or to wipe a tear from her eye. I bet he was ready and raring to de-shirt for any given opportunity.
In one shot, we saw Jacob standing (shirtless, of course) in the foreground while Bella faced him in the background. I'm sorry, but nobody's shoulders look like that when they're relaxed. I think he was trying to pinch a penny between those delts.
Promises
These New Moon peeps are as bad as presidential hopefuls when it comes to making and keeping promises. Edward promises Bella she'll never see him again. Bella promises Edward she won't do anything reckless. Jacob promises Bella he'll never hurt her. Lies! All lies! No wonder these people are so angsty!
One-liners
These are just a couple of the gems we heartily guffawed over during the course of the movie:
Bella Swan [to Edward]: If this is about my soul, take it! I don't want it without you!
Obviously this girl is brain dead. The worth of her soul? Nada. Zilch. Zip. Who needs a soul when you have a man?
Bella Swan: [to Jacob] Please don't make me choose. Because it will be him, every time. It's always been him.
Ummm ... okay. "Don't make me choose." Yet Jacob doesn't say anything, do anything or even get a chance to think anything before you totally and completely choose. Good one.
Summary
Chick flicks simultaneously bore me and gross me out. At one point in my life, I wondered if it was a phase that I'd grow out of ... you know, once I started dating, had a boyfriend, got engaged, got married or had children. Apparently not. I just can't get over on-screen kisses, shallow relationships and cheesy lines that plague this type of movie. Add to that the whole in-love-with-two-supernatural-beings-who-fight-over me thing, and it's simply gag-tastic.
If I've offended because you consider yourself a die-hard vampire/werewolf romantic, I apologize. You're welcome to criticize my true movie love--Star Wars--as much as you want. Just go easy on the space nerd jokes.