But I guess nothing can prepare you for the real thing.
That being said, here is a lovely categorical list of things I've learned thus far in the experience that neither Dr. Egbert nor the Internet prepared me for:
ON THE HOSPITAL STAY
- Because they're ripping apart your face (and not, say, your leg), you get to wear scrub bottoms. No tushy sticking out the back of the gown!
- Apparently, it hurts to get your IV in worse if your hands are cold. So if a nurse asks if you'd like a warm blanket, gladly take her up on her offer and wrap your hands up before the needle stick.
- Unlike other times when you may have come out of general anesthesia, this time you won't be able to say anything stupid. That's one good reason to have your mouth banded shut.
- Don't wait until you're hurting before you push the button to call the nurse, because who knows how long it will be before she gets to your room to give you pain meds. In my case, it took 30 minutes.
- Yes, your teeth are banded shut. Yes, you're probably congested from the tube they shoved down your nose and into your trachea. Take advantage of the oxygen mask at the hospital, but don't panic when you realize you're about to be discharged and you don't have your own oxygen tank. Just continue taking decongestants and remain calm.
- Okay, this one I read about, but I'm including it here because it was one of the best pieces of advice I read. Do anything ... ANYTHING ... to take your mind off the teeth-shut, stuffy-nose, trouble-breathing thing. Read a book. Do a crossword puzzle. Or in my case, watch two seasons-worth of America's Next Top Model.
- This may not be true in everyone's case, but I found that the nasal spray decongestant worked LOTS better than the liquid Robitussin.
- Have a supply of Breathe Right Strips. Lots of them.
ON PAIN
- I knew my jaws would hurt. I knew my nose and throat might hurt from being intubated. But I didn't know that, more than a week after I had been off the prescription pain medication, my head and ear would hurt so horribly because my jaws are clamped shut. Thank goodness I can now swallow pills. I love you, ibuprofen!
- After your sutures start to loosen up and dissolve, it KILLS to get them stuck on your braces. Poor Seth has had to save me twice using a Q-tip and a flashlight.
- Even at 20 days post-op, it's still too soon to give your kid an underdog on the swings. All that bouncing and running just hurts.
ON NUMBNESS
- When the doctors cut out a piece of my skull above my top lip and below my nose, they moved a nerve out of the way. Again, I knew this would cause numbness, but I didn't realize how much of my face would be numb ...
- It feels really, REALLY weird to apply mascara when the area around your eye is numb.
- Not knowing that your nose is running is extremely embarrassing. Just get used to carrying a tissue around in your pocket and wiping every five minutes.
- Be sure to look in a mirror to apply chapstick and to insert nasal sprays. It's impossible to know if you're putting them in the right place otherwise.
- Kissing your husband or daughter is a big guessing game. Are my lips touching anything? Have I puckered yet?
- Just because the skin on your face is numb doesn't mean you can't feel anything when your husband or daughter bumps you with his/her fist/head. In fact, it can immediately bring tears to your eyes.
ON FOOD
- Ingesting only liquids for an entire week really isn't that bad. Just make sure you have a variety of flavors.
- When eating through a syringe, keep what I now like to call a "drool cloth" nearby. Trust me.
- Once you're allowed to eat soft foods that don't require chewing, don't limit yourself to broths, mashed potatoes and pasta. Almost anything can be swallowed if it's cut up finely enough. This includes (and I know about these from personal experience) pizza, calzones (with Italian sausage, no less), trout and watermelon.
- Another trick for eating non-chew foods is to make sure it's soggy or can be mashed with your tongue on the roof of your mouth (which will also be numb). So let those corn flakes soak in milk for 5-10 minutes before you spoon them in.